take our interactive
stripper poll.
The Pantaloon's Translation Of The RNC's Purity Pledge
Jim Bopp Jr. is a pro-life and conservative attorney who served as general counsel for National Right to Life and as special counsel for Focus on the Family since 2004. So it should come as no surprise that Bopp has penned the RNC's most recent effort to marginalize anyone who disagrees with their "corporate-profits-first, people-second" ideology: THE PURITY PLEDGE. The stated purpose of this so-called Pledge is to require Republican candidates to agree to at least 7 of 10 "Commandments" or political stances; if the candidate does not agree, then the RNC will pull the plug on campaign financing from its gilded corporate coffers. Heil, RNC!
The Pantaloon reproduces the entire text of the Purity Pledge; however, in order to fully understand it, one needs to have the subtext of its intended meaning. So The Pantaloon's translation is in bold and brackets after each of the 10 Commandments:
"THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, that the Republican National Committee identifies ten (10) key public policy positions for the 2010 election cycle, which the Republican National Committee expects its public officials and candidates to support:
(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama’s “stimulus” bill;
[Unless George W. Bush or any other elected Republican expands government (e.g., Homeland Security), the debt, deficits, taxes, unnecessary wars, or the original stimulus package passed before the 2008 election; in that case, we're all for it because we are hypocritical bastards with a bankrupt ideology.]
(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;
[Obama hasn't really even proposed a healthcare plan, leaving it up to Congress. But we (and Joe Lieberman) still oppose anything that diminishes the insurance companies' ability to rape and pillage and profit from the sickness and death of the American people.]
(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;
[We don't really care if you die from pollution or, for that matter, if the earth is destroyed from global warming. What we care about is seeing the dollar signs in the black plumes of smoke rising above our crumbling cities.]
(4) We support workers’ right to secret ballot by opposing card check;
[We actually don't support workers; we support the Chamber of Commerce because we don't want a public ballot for unionization. This might actually increase the number of union employees, and we want to keep the average laborer down as much as possible.]
(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;
[We don't like anyone who doesn't look like us or speak our language. Unless they are mowing our lawns, constructing our homes, cleaning our buildings and homes, working in restaurants for slave labor, etc.]
(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;
[Unless a Republican is in office and, for example, he ignores General Shinseki's advice in Iraq. In cases like those, we just support whatever the Republican does no matter how misguided.]
(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;
[Which is why we did absolutely nothing through 2008, except to ignore the "Axis of Evil" and to destabilize Iraq to make Iran stronger.]
(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;
[Despite the fact that there are homosexual, heterosexual, and asexual creatures in nature (along with several closeted homosexuals in the GOP), we like to subject those in the minority to discrimination and deny them fundamental rights that everyone else enjoys. We are bereft of morals and love. Some of us even believe "God hates fags."]
(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and
[We only want the elderly, military veterans, and active-duty military to have "government-run" healthcare because they don't deserve any better. Those of you who don't have healthcare, we recommend you not get sick and stop whining. We also like to tell women what to do with their own bodies and value life only to create a superficial political wedge and not truly in a moral and societal sense. If we truly valued life, we would support healthcare for all and end unjustified wars and the death penalty.]
(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership;
[We like to brandish loaded guns at President Obama's speeches because, deep down, many of us are bigots who would rejoice in his assassination. We also like contributions from the NRA and live in fear and paranoia of crime that rarely occurs in our GOP neighborhoods.]
and be further RESOLVED, that a candidate who disagrees with three or more of the above stated public policy position of the Republican National Committee, as identified by the voting record, public statements and/or signed questionnaire of the candidate, shall not be eligible for financial support and endorsement by the Republican National Committee."
CAPTION CONTEST
Happy Friday the 13th, everyone. Are you scared? Well, you paraskevidekatriaphobics (you poor saps afflicted with a morbid, irrational fear of Friday the 13th) should be. Centuries ago, the witches of the north observed the sabbath by gathering in a cemetery in the shadows of the moon. On one gathering, the Norse goddess, Freya (the origin of "Friday"), came down from her sanctuary in Valhalla and appeared before the group, who numbered 12. Freya gave them one of her cats, completing what came to be known as a witches' coven. Ever since then, a perfectly-numbered coven has comprised exactly 13.
There are also legends that the Church (you know which one, they have a Pope) is behind Friday the 13th. Some think that in the 1300s, the French King (Philip IV) persecuted the feared order of the Knights Templar, because the Knights were becoming too powerful. So one Friday the 13th, the King had the Knights rounded up and falsely accused of heinous crimes, including homosexuality (hmm, like the Church's efforts against gay marriage). Apparently, it was a wicked day, and many Knights died during the "enhanced interrogation techniques" the Catholics used to obtain "confessions." (Sound familiar?)
So in honor of this scary day, we decided to have a CAPTION CONTEST. Whoever posts the most clever caption for the SCARY photo below will win a free AXIS OF EGO t-shirt. Minimum twenty-five entries and results will be posted next Sunday, November 22, 2009. (We've extended the deadline due to some posting glitches.)
A Brief History Of Gayness In The GOP - ABRAHAM LINCOLN
The GOP says: “Pornography makes you gay.” Thanks to Leftake.com for posting the video from a GOP conference that exposes this horrible epidemic of gay contamination. Here is the full video from the Rachel Maddow Show with an introductory (and possibly racist) joke from Republican Roy Blunt from Missouri. The segment concerning porn begins at about the 2:15 mark.
Of course, this completely logical and scientific claim by the GOP (about pornography turning straight men into homosexuals) made us wonder about the sexual orientation of Republicans past and present. As a result of exhaustive research, this entry is the first of a series of investigative, historical reporting of great men who may have been hiding in great big closets. We report, you decide.
Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States, presided over the Union’s Civil War victory and loosed the shackles from the slaves. He was a Republican and undisputedly a great man and commander in chief. However, what you don’t know about Lincoln may shock you; in fact, it may transform you into a believer that pornography metamorphoses a God-fearing, red-blooded American hero into a foppish and unnatural gay who lets his own wife beat him.
LINCOLN DID NOT JOIN A CHURCH, WAS
AN INTELLECTUAL AND AN AVID READER.
These appear to be all the hallmarks of
today’s Hollywood homosexual liberal.
LINCOLN AVOIDED HUNTING AND FISHING
BECAUSE HE DID NOT ENJOY KILLING ANIMALS.
Sarah Palin evidently has more balls than Mr. Lincoln.
What kind of a man doesn’t enjoy blowing away a
deer with a rifle? Could it be a gay man?
AS A YOUNG MAN, LINCOLN WAS CLOSE FRIENDS
WITH A DRESS MAKER NAMED PHILLIP COXETER.
We all know that only the gays make dresses,
so why was Lincoln fraternizing with this Coxeter?
LINCOLN SUFFERED FROM MELANCHOLY AND INITIALLY
BROKE OFF HIS ENGAGEMENT TO MARY TODD LINCOLN.
This kind of indecisive and depressed behavior reminds us of
Morrissey from The Smiths. Oh sure, Lincoln got married
ultimately and even had children, but so did Larry Craig.
MARY TODD LINCOLN SMOKED A PIPE, WENT ON LAVISH
SPENDING SPREES, WAS WILDLY JEALOUS AND
ILL-TEMPERED, AND PHYSICALLY ABUSED LINCOLN.
Red flags abound. This is from an actual bio of Mrs. Lincoln: “She may
have also been physically abusive toward her husband as once he
showed up in court with bruises and a black eye.” Is it possible that
Mary Todd Lincoln was The First Beard of the White House?
LINCOLN WAS ORIGINALLY IN THE “WHIG” PARTY. AND
HE WAS THE FIRST PRESIDENT TO USE HAIR PRODUCTS.
Whigs were obviously gay as no heterosexual men wore wigs. Ever.
And Lincoln was the first Prez to sport Dodge Brothers Melanine Hair Tonic.
LINCOLN LOVED THE THEATRE.
Need we say more? Hello?
LINCOLN HAD A VAST COLLECTION
OF FRENCH NUDE DAGUERREOTYPES.
Nude Daguerreotypes were THE PORN of the day, and, if they
were FRENCH, then you knew they were the real nasty stuff.
We understand that Lincoln had a fetish for fat bottom girls.
These were some images from his vast collection.
IF THERE WERE ANY DOUBT THAT PORNOGRAPHY MAKES
YOU GAY, HERE IS A PORTRAIT PHOTOGRAPH OF
LINCOLN AFTER HE VIEWED HIS DAGUERREOTYPES.
.jpg)
The AXIS OF EGO Tees Are Here
Yup, we've finished the first three of our AXIS OF EGO t-shirts. Click the SHOP button above or the t-shirt ad to the left to see more pictures and snag a few for the holidays.
We've also made a few other changes. Our Stripper Poll is now interactive. And you can now Join and create your unique handle to post comments. That means no more porn spam from Russia for us, and an easy auto login for you. We'll be adding more as the site grows. Thanks for your support.
We Want What Isabella Rossellini Is Smoking
There's not much you can say after watching Isabella's "penis" break off after copulating mid-flight. We were all debating how much the baby gets though under SAG's pay scale. Check out what we call The Not-So-Secret Sex Life of Bees. Hopefully, Glenn Beck will get a peek at this so his head can explode when he realizes kids are going to literally learn the "birds and the bees" of fucking from a liberal foreign actress:
Clean Coal Is Like Perfumed Shit
Coal is the dirtiest of all fossil fuels. Burning coal produces emissions that contribute to global warming, acid rain, and water pollution. So the “Clean Coal” advertising campaign seems about as credible as perfumed shit. If you think coal is in any way clean, take a look at miners anywhere from the U.S. to China.
.jpg)
One of the most ambitious and dubious “clean coal” technologies involves carbon capture and storage. One capture technology involves removing CO2 prior to burning and then collecting the gas in secure containers either in the ocean (oceanic storage) or underground (geologic storage). The CO2, however, would have to be stored for decades if not longer until the gas dissipates.
Oceanic storage entails injecting liquid CO2 into waters 500 to 3,000 meters deep, where it dissolves under pressure. Oceanic storage would likely harm marine habitats due to the risk of greatly increasing the problem of ocean acidification. Geologic storage involves injecting CO2 deep into the earth. No one knows the long-term effects of burying gas deep in geological formations, but it seems obvious that the CO2 would eventually leak from storage and into the atmosphere ultimately.
In honor of the “Clean Coal” propaganda effort, here are a few dubiously-advertised and oxymoronic (or just plain moronic) products brought to you by The Pantaloon:
1. Fair and Balanced FOX News
2. Wild, Wonderful West Virginia
(There's nothing wonderful about it)
3. Fat-Free Lard
4. Fart Cologne
5. Kosher Porkchops
6. Hello Kitty Vibrator
7. Beer For Pregnant Women
.jpg)
.jpg)