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The Pantaloon's Translation Of The RNC's Purity Pledge
Nov 24, 2009
Jim Bopp Jr. is a pro-life and conservative attorney who served as general counsel for National Right to Life and as special counsel for Focus on the Family since 2004. So it should come as no surprise that Bopp has penned the RNC's most recent effort to marginalize anyone who disagrees with their "corporate-profits-first, people-second" ideology: THE PURITY PLEDGE. The stated purpose of this so-called Pledge is to require Republican candidates to agree to at least 7 of 10 "Commandments" or political stances; if the candidate does not agree, then the RNC will pull the plug on campaign financing from its gilded corporate coffers. Heil, RNC!
The Pantaloon reproduces the entire text of the Purity Pledge; however, in order to fully understand it, one needs to have the subtext of its intended meaning. So The Pantaloon's translation is in bold and brackets after each of the 10 Commandments:
"THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, that the Republican National Committee identifies ten (10) key public policy positions for the 2010 election cycle, which the Republican National Committee expects its public officials and candidates to support:
(1) We support smaller government, smaller national debt, lower deficits and lower taxes by opposing bills like Obama’s “stimulus” bill;
[Unless George W. Bush or any other elected Republican expands government (e.g., Homeland Security), the debt, deficits, taxes, unnecessary wars, or the original stimulus package passed before the 2008 election; in that case, we're all for it because we are hypocritical bastards with a bankrupt ideology.]
(2) We support market-based health care reform and oppose Obama-style government run healthcare;
[Obama hasn't really even proposed a healthcare plan, leaving it up to Congress. But we (and Joe Lieberman) still oppose anything that diminishes the insurance companies' ability to rape and pillage and profit from the sickness and death of the American people.]
(3) We support market-based energy reforms by opposing cap and trade legislation;
[We don't really care if you die from pollution or, for that matter, if the earth is destroyed from global warming. What we care about is seeing the dollar signs in the black plumes of smoke rising above our crumbling cities.]
(4) We support workers’ right to secret ballot by opposing card check;
[We actually don't support workers; we support the Chamber of Commerce because we don't want a public ballot for unionization. This might actually increase the number of union employees, and we want to keep the average laborer down as much as possible.]
(5) We support legal immigration and assimilation into American society by opposing amnesty for illegal immigrants;
[We don't like anyone who doesn't look like us or speak our language. Unless they are mowing our lawns, constructing our homes, cleaning our buildings and homes, working in restaurants for slave labor, etc.]
(6) We support victory in Iraq and Afghanistan by supporting military-recommended troop surges;
[Unless a Republican is in office and, for example, he ignores General Shinseki's advice in Iraq. In cases like those, we just support whatever the Republican does no matter how misguided.]
(7) We support containment of Iran and North Korea, particularly effective action to eliminate their nuclear weapons threat;
[Which is why we did absolutely nothing through 2008, except to ignore the "Axis of Evil" and to destabilize Iraq to make Iran stronger.]
(8) We support retention of the Defense of Marriage Act;
[Despite the fact that there are homosexual, heterosexual, and asexual creatures in nature (along with several closeted homosexuals in the GOP), we like to subject those in the minority to discrimination and deny them fundamental rights that everyone else enjoys. We are bereft of morals and love. Some of us even believe "God hates fags."]
(9) We support protecting the lives of vulnerable persons by opposing health care rationing and denial of health care and government funding of abortion; and
[We only want the elderly, military veterans, and active-duty military to have "government-run" healthcare because they don't deserve any better. Those of you who don't have healthcare, we recommend you not get sick and stop whining. We also like to tell women what to do with their own bodies and value life only to create a superficial political wedge and not truly in a moral and societal sense. If we truly valued life, we would support healthcare for all and end unjustified wars and the death penalty.]
(10) We support the right to keep and bear arms by opposing government restrictions on gun ownership;
[We like to brandish loaded guns at President Obama's speeches because, deep down, many of us are bigots who would rejoice in his assassination. We also like contributions from the NRA and live in fear and paranoia of crime that rarely occurs in our GOP neighborhoods.]
and be further RESOLVED, that a candidate who disagrees with three or more of the above stated public policy position of the Republican National Committee, as identified by the voting record, public statements and/or signed questionnaire of the candidate, shall not be eligible for financial support and endorsement by the Republican National Committee."
Posted by: hausfrau