editor-in-cheek - Michael Pizzurro
Michael is half Sicilian and half Greek, which means he extorts money from himself while running a diner. He was a Carlson-Duchen scholar at the University of Virginia, earning a b.s. in architecture. He also received a juris doctor from the U.K. College of Law. After interning for the U.S Attorney's Office, he clerked for a U.S. Court of Appeals judge, receiving a distinguished service award. He then worked as a litigator in Manhattan before turning to fiction and essay writing. His work has been honored at several competitions, including the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences Nicholl Fellowships, the Chesterfield Writers Project, and the Rupert Hughes Prose Writing Competition. He is proficient in rants, suing people, spotting good restaurants, book and film critiques, and the proper use of semicolons;

minister of virtue - Juliet Montencourt
Born in Chicago, Juliet graduated from Amherst College and received her Ph.D. in human sexuality from the Kinsey Institute. She worked as a clinical therapist and sex surrogate before moving to Manhattan to study fashion and design. She achieved her entrée into the fashion world with a two-year stint at Dolce & Gabbana in their marketing and PR department. Now, she is the owner of her own sex advice column and fashion marketing firm. She has produced shows and after-parties for infamous designers such as Itzak Mizrahi, Liza Minnelli, Old Dirty Bastard, and an extra from Project Runway. She is a maven of fashion, vodka, intelligent drum and bass, chick lit, and reverse cowgirl. Juliet will strangle the next person who forms a drum circle.

spiritual guide - Maximilian Rosenthal
Max was raised and home-schooled by his parents (both poets) in a commune in northern California. He hitchhiked across the country to NYU where he double majored in religion and philosophy and minored in Studio 54. He spent most of his time trying to find God in the bottom of a bottle. He met Andy Warhol, who first encouraged him to find his fifteen minutes of fame by looking within himself. Max traveled throughout Europe and Asia with only a backpack, fifty bucks, and nine clove cigarettes. He studied religion and culture for ten years before returning to the U.S. and dabbling in Scientology for the free weed and celebrity sex. He penned his New York Times best selling graphic novel, "God Is The Undead - The Modern Day Bible", while living in a van in Taos, New Nexico and subsisting on peyote and corn tortillas. He is our guide in all things that transcend any human understanding, including why Paris Hilton has not yet contracted herpes. Max says the world will end in 2012.

hausfrau - Heidi von Hapsburg
Austrian by birth, female by grace of God, Heidi now lives on Central Park, three blocks from where her grandfather Otto purchased their first American "haus" in the Gilded Age (That's progress.) After her husband Leopold's untimely death, she is "single and loves to mingle" according to her Lavalife profile. One of the first female graduates of the Austrian Akademie of Sciences, she served four years in the special forces division of the army. She worked for the State Department and was Secretary of the National Committee on European-American Relations. During the 1980s, she listened to quite a bit of Falco and Nena (especially "99 Luftballons") and acted as Protocol Mistress for Her Majesty Queen Sirikit of Thailand for Her visits to this country. Heidi enjoys Muay Thai kickboxing, polite etiquette, bland European food, dark military ops, and raising miniature schnauzers. She is currently a Tri-Delta housemother or "hausfrau".

teabagger - Kenneth Lee Bundy
Kenny was born near Cincinnati, the eldest of nine children in a German Catholic family. (Eight wasn't enough.) He went to Regent University in Virginia Beach, served a stint in the U.S. Marines, and then studied law in night courses at the Salmon P. Chase College of Law (now part of Northern Kentucky University). He began the practice of law as an assistant prosecutor and later moved on to a job as a political consultant for a defense contractor. He is a member of the NRA, the Federalist Society, and the Triple Nine Society, an expert marksman, a proud teabagger, and a lover of hard rock, reality TV, ballroom dancing, and frog gigging. Kenny doesn't like people who stare.

hollywood correspondent - Leon Catspaw
Born of the renowned New Mexico Catspaws, Leon was a gambling rights advocate for his tribe, the Hopi. Through years of hard work, he helped usher in a new era of Hopi pride in the form of federal legislation authorizing 14 tribe-run casinos. Before construction was complete, he was abruptly and permanently banished from the tribe when a DNA test revealed he carried 0% Hopi blood. Robbed of millions, he moved to Hollywood to fullfill his lifelong dream of becoming a matinee idol. Unaware that the term was no longer used, he landed few roles but remained an entertainment junkie - specifically supporting himself by selling heroin on Hollywood Boulevard. Now cleaned up and belly full of fire, he brings his unique Tinseltown perspective to The Pantaloon. Leon is married to Barbara, a media whore.